Thought it was time for one of my "once in a blue moon" blog entries after hearing myself maligned again last night for my lack of blog posting!During the school holidays, for a bit of time out from the kids, I locked myself in my room and watched some episodes via the internet of an 80's show called "Scarecrow and Mrs King". The series was about a CIA kind of agent - "Scarecrow" and Mrs King, a divorced, single mother who lives in the suburbs. It starred Kate Jackson (my favourite Charlie's Angel because she was the smart one) and Bruce Boxleitner (who ended up marrying Melissa Gilbert from "Little House on the Prairie"...he married Laura...too weird!). Anyway, I used to watch it about 22 years ago before I went overseas and it was still enjoyable after all these years. Sure, some of those 80's hairstyles and clothes made me cringe and some times it was just plain corny but they worked well together and had great comedic timing. I laughed out loud at some of the scenes.
After my time out, life went on as usual and the kids and I continued our day. By the time I went to bed that night, I felt an underlying sadness. I woke up the next day and felt really flat but had no idea why. It took me most of the morning but I finally figured it out. I felt like this because I'd watched "Scarecrow and Mrs King."
It's funny how music, different smells and even TV shows can take you back to a specific moment a long time ago. I remembered watching this show one night when I was about 19. When it was over, I thought about how my life might be when I was about their age (around 38). Okay, so I was pretty sure I wasn't going to be a secret agent like Scarecrow but I was also pretty sure I wouldn't only be a housewife in suburbia like Mrs King. I wouldn't need some guy to come and rescue me out of my boring life in the burbs as a single parent. My life was ahead of me and the possibilities were endless, I could be anything I wanted to. And at the very least I "knew" my life wouldn't be ordinary.
Yet here I am, a single parent, in the burbs with a very, very ordinary life. Most of the things I thought I would do - I haven't, the person I thought I would be - I'm not, and the things I never wanted like a cheating spouse, divorce and special needs child - I have. I sat on my lounge and cried, what a waste of a life. I guess I was having a delayed reaction to turning 40. Obviously, CG's speech about 40 being spiritually significant gave me a bonus year but here I am, 41 and facing the fact that my life is so not what I thought it would be. And feeling it's too late to do anything about it.
But does anyone's life remotely resemble what they thought it would? To distract myself I googled Kate Jackson. She said that she has only ever wanted to be an actress and never considered doing anything else. And from the age of 18 she was, she was doing exactly what she wanted to do and she was more successful than she ever dreamed she'd be. But it came at a huge personal cost. Fourteen hours a day on a TV set, 10 months of the year, year after year, made it impossible to have a life outside of work. In almost every interview she gave around the time of "Scarecrow and Mrs King" she talked about how much she wanted children, how this was a "golden period" of her life and how fortunate she felt but within 6 months she had miscarried, her second marriage fell apart, she was diagnosed with breast cancer and her show was canceled because of her health. To top it off she found out she would never be able to have children.
Ten years later, at the age of 49, with another failed marriage and bout of cancer behind her, Kate Jackson adopted a baby boy. When he was 2, she quit the business to be a good single mother, in the burbs with her son. So besides the millions she has, her situation now is not that dissimilar to my own. I'm sure this is not where she imagined she'd be either but is her life, or for that matter mine, any less rich because it turned out so differently from what we expected? Does my value and intrinsic worth depend on what I achieve, how I look, my marital status or the money I have? We all tell ourselves that of course it doesn't but if we are honest, we feel it does.
But why does it? And where does that leave me? Would I have more value if I was more successful? Would I feel more lovable if my marriage had lasted? Would I be happier if I was beautiful? Would achieving everything I wanted by 40 make me feel content? The truthful answer is yes.... for a while. But if my value lies in what I do and have, what happens if I can no longer do it or have it? Kate Jackson was at the height of her career and then it was all gone. Does she have less worth now that she's given it all up for her son? Do I, because my kids come before a career?
My crisis isn't quite over, I still feel sad for what could have been and what will never be but that's okay, I can live with it. I have a God who loves me and has promised me that He'll make all things new. I keep thinking of the story of Moses and how his life's significance really only began after 40. I'm just hoping my story doesn't involve wandering around the desert for 40 long years and then missing my promised land!
